The teenage years can be difficult. For parents, the light at the end of the tunnel might be, well, someday they’ll grow up, and we’ll get along. That’s the dream, right? The teenage brain will fully development, and by 25 or so, we’ll finally get each other.

But one mom says that these tenuous years might be the secret to maintaining a good relationship with your children as they become adults. And parents, that might mean taking some parenting steps that aren’t the most comfortable.

“As an adult with kids my own, I am best friends with my mom, and you know why? It’s because she was such a good mom to teenage me,” Sarah Biggers-Stewart, @thebiggersthebetter, said in a video posted to TikTok.

“I really think a lot of people do not understand that the way you treat your teenager defines your adult relationship,” she explained. “Yeah, you get some years under your belt apart from each other when they move out, and that can soften damage, but the damage stays.”

Biggers-Stewart isn’t talking about the damage of typical parent-teen bickering (we’ve all been there). Arguing is something a parent-child relationship can come back from, she says. But, one thing it can’t come back from is a breach of trust.

“Im talking about promising stuff to your kids, trying to create a culture of trust, like you’re doing that first bit of effort and then not following through,” Biggers-Stewart said.

The best example, she said, is when parents tell their teens to call them if they are ever drunk and in need of a ride, and that they wouldn’t get in trouble. When that phone call actually comes, and parents punish or berate their kid in response, trust can be eroded for years to come.

“So many parents tell their teenagers that. My mom told me that, my friend’s parents told them that,” Biggers-Stewart said. “But when push came to shove and we all had to call our parents one night after getting drunk in the field and the police showed up — why is that some sort of universal early 2000s teenage thing — guess who didn’t get in trouble? Me. Guess who did? All of my friends. Guess who’s close with my mom? Still me. Guess who’s not close with their moms? All my friends.”

“The trust you have with your daughter or your son should outweigh your need to punish them in that moment,” she said.

“They’re going to grow up, the mistakes they make will fade away from those teenage years,” she continued. “The damage of not being there for them when they need you, or telling lies to get them to trust you — and it is a lie, because then when push came to shove, you didn’t do it — if you lied about how you would behave, the damage is done.”

I think we can all empathize with this, as former teens ourselves. But, one mom in the comments asked a question many others might grapple with as well.

“My struggle as a mom is how many times do I do this?” she asked. “There has to be some learning and consequences, but I also want to be a safe and trusting place… the balance is so hard!”

Biggers-Stewart’s response followed the same trend of trust. This time, have some trust in your kids.

“There’s not a number,” she responded. “If your kid is generally responsible & trustworthy, they’re making the decision to be that way literally 100s of times a day. A bad decision every so often is okay IMO.”

Like, how many times did you end up drinking in an empty field (or worse) as a teenager? You turned out okay! Have some faith your teen will, too.